All praise His holy (and creepy) visage!
Praise Creepy Jesus
Read these testaments of faith from the Gospel of Saint Laura!
The Coming of the Creepy Christ
1.1: Lo, and unto the blasphemous and vile state of New Jersey, a savior was purchased for the reasonable sum of one dollar American at the holy land of Goodwill.
1.2: This savior, when first seen by Saint Laura and her companions, did elicit the following responses:
1.3: "Oh Lord! Thou art divinely creepy" and "Holy Christ, what is that?" and "Please, dear Jesus, put it back!"
1.4: But Saint Laura, being of unsound mind and unshakeable faith, did purchase said Creepy Jesus for the aforementioned dollar. And lo, the ambassador of Goodwill, a disaffected Gothling, did declare this the creepiest Jesus ever, and place him hastily within a plastic bag.
The First Miracle
2.1: Upon departure from the Goodwill did Saint Laura arrive in the parking lot, reverently bearing Creepy Jesus in his plastic conveyance.
2.2: And then, upon placing Creepy Jesus into the sizable trunk of her LeSabre, did she notice a shiny coin lying on the ground unattended.
2.3: "Praise Creepy Jesus!" said she, and placed the quarter within her pocket.
2.4: And thus is was that the already reasonably priced savior saved her twenty-five cents.
The Second Miracle
3.1: Saint Laura carefully examined the Creepy Christ, and discovered an inscription: "Sacred Heart of Jesus" and also "Copyright 1895". Taking this as proof that the world did not exist prior to the 1800s in fulfillment of the scriptures, she ceased immediately to believe in evolution.
3.2: She also sought to sell the savior - that his glory might be shared with the world and that she might purchase something electronic and shiny - and to this end, she carried Our Creepy Lord to the Antique Store.
3.3: "That is an extremely creepy Jesus" said the antique lady. "Praise his Creepy Name," Saint Laura said, immediately followed by "So how much is he worth?"
3.4: And lo, did the antique lady decide that the value of Our Creepy Savior to be ten dollars even, thus providing a net profit of nine-twenty-five, enough for Saint Laura to purchase a reasonably nice meal, or perhaps a ticket to a movie, were she to accept.
The Third Miracle
4.1: When Saint Laura considered this purchase price, the third miracle did occur. Her heart opened up and accepted Creepy Jesus as her personal savior, declining the offer with a shout of, "You cheap bastards! This is my Savior we're talking about here.... would you give me twenty?"
4.2: "Please take Creepy Jesus from our sight," the antique lady cried. "For He is frightening our customers!" Saint Laura did so, and all the way home (when not busy cursing traffic, as such is the custom of New Jersey) she pondered what to do with Our Creepy Lord.
4.3: Upon returning home did Saint Laura immediately hung Creepy Jesus in an unassuming corner of the hallway. She turned out the lights, and gathered her offspring, one by one. "Come here, children - you must behold a wondrous sight," said Saint Laura.
4.4: When Saint Laura turned on the lights - Our Creepy Savior was thus illuminated. The children cried out. "Oh my God!" and "What a creepy Jesus!" and "Mom ... is He watching us?" to which Saint Laura said "He watches over us all... especially when you sleep, or you are considering taking any of my things without asking. Sleep tight, kids!" And He has dwelled in the house of Saint Laura ever since, praise his holy yet creepy name.
A Prayer To the Creepy Christ - Miracles Guaranteed!*
* unless you do not have absolute faith in which case the Creepy Christ will not grant your miracle
and may in fact haunt your dreams in a creeptastic manner. PRAY AT YOUR OWN RISK.
We are not responsible for any loss of sleep or night visitations by Our Creepy Savior.
Dear Creepy Christ,
My personally disturbing Lord and Savior,
I turn my life over to thee, and promise most wholeheartedly
to donate the purchase price of Salvation (one dollar)
to the preservation of your Shrine, should my prayer be granted.
I know I am not worthy of your Creepy Intervention, oh you Lord
who scareth the masses with thy visage - but please shine upon me
your humble servant, who aspires to creepiness in thy name.
Amen.
Has praying to Creepy Jesus worked for you, my brethren?
Send in your testimonials and they will be listed here! Praise His creepy name!
The Creepy Jesus FAQ
Q: This site is blasphemous / you're going to Hell / Jesus hates funny things!
A. This site is about our Savior, Creepy Jesus, whom we love with all our hearts. What're you, some kind of atheist? Go away. Also, that's not a question.
Q: Creepy Jesus offends me.
A: Creepy Jesus is offended that you are offended by Creepy Jesus. Again, not a question.
Q: How old is creepy Jesus?
A. 114 years old, according to his copyright date, at the time of this writing.
Q. Who made Creepy Jesus?
A. As far as we can tell - C. Semmeler of New York, NY. It's a little hard to make out the last few letters of the name, and we haven't yet found any information on who or what C. Semmeler might be.
Q. What is Creepy Jesus made of?
A. He's three dimensional sculpture - we think he might be plaster of some sort, painted and set into a wood frame. We may be wrong about what the matterial that makes him up is, however- we're no religious icon experts, just the faithful.
Q: Does Creepy Jesus really creep people out?
A. Everyone who comes into the house has commented on his disturbing visage, praise his creepy name.
Q, Why do you find Jesus creepy?
A: Creepy Jesus is not to be confused with Jesii that appear in other religions, such as Islam.
Q. Are you scared of Creepy Jesus?
A. Not a bit! He's a lot of fun.
We do not find Creepy Jesus creepy, for we have embraced him into our hearts and our home, and we respect him for the power he has over those who declare him creepy.
Q. Will Creepy Jesus bless me?
A. Sure, if you send him the price of Salvation (one dollar).
Q. Does Creepy Jesus sell indulgences?
A. If you want to prepay for your sins, Creepy Jesus will absolve you for the low price of one dollar per sin.
Q. Can I become a priest of Creepy Jesus?
A. If you send Creepy Jesus a dollar and your request, He will ordain you, my child.
Q. Can I see/pray to Creepy Jesus in person?
A. Sure, if you make a sizable donation and come to His Church in New Jersey.
Q. Aww, he's not creepy!
A. Yes he is. Also, not a question.
Q. Why should I give you a dollar?
A. Because the power of Creepy Christ compels you!
Q. Where should I send this dollar to - does Creepy Jesus have a PayPal account?
A.
Creepy Jesus does indeed use PayPal, because the handling of hard currency is for governments, not for religion.
Q. Is this a cult?
A. To answer that question, let me ask you one - don't all successful religions start out as cults?
Donate to the Holy Church of the Creepy Christ; |